bad advice, Comedy

How to artist

How to artist

  1. It’s like family game night:  If you are not willing to lose everyone you love and all stability in life then you are not playing hard enough.

  2. Alternate between two lifestyles, 1) 24/7 work for  weeks on end and 2) Regretfully apologize to your family, swear you’ll be more practical, and do dishes until the darkness blots out all joy

  3. If people are relaxed and comfortable around you then you’re not committed enough.

  4. Learn to field the question “Have you talked to any other human being today?”

  5. Never watch anything with sex or violence because that requires you to look away from your drawing.  Rule of thumb is that if it’s at all interesting then it’s not for you.

  6. Make no plans for the future except wild success, despite zero artists achieving wild success. Dare to dream the deeply, deeply unrealistic dream of ditching your little broke annoying clients and replacing them with bigger, richer annoying clients.

  7. Lawn mowing, snow blowing, cooking meals, washing dishes, doing laundry, sorting recycling and cleaning house all steal time from doing artwork and are clearly the reason you haven’t achieved wild success.

  8. Fantasize about full time employment and block out the part where you chew your own leg off.  Mastication autoamputation is not covered by workplace insurance, Stumpy.

  9. Vacations are times for client-free drawing (Woohoo!).

  10. When on vacation, if the camp counselor divides you into a “People who love vacation” group and a “People who love to work” group be prepared for some awkward conversation  with the wacky sailing instructor.

  11. Backup sketchbook near the pooper.

  12. Be prepared for the shrill reaction of the yoga-pants mafia when you slap the art supplies out of tiny hands to protect those children from becoming artists.

  13. Have very strong opinions about things that no person for a hundred miles around you could care less about, then travel a hundred miles to find that one person who does care and fight him.

  14. As soon as any technique, business plan or relationship works immediately become bored with it and move on. Live in a perpetual state of novicehood because as soon as you get good at something, you backburner that skill so it’s no good to anyone. “Dang, I should learn welding!”.  Think of yourself as superskilled the way a person with an awesome toolset locked in storage thinks about his awesome toolset.

  15. Love long plane rides because the unstructured drawing time is awesome.  No client can expect you to work on long plane rides! What we’re here already!?

  16. Bills are subjective.

  17. You’re a freaking genius, you know.  I mean, you’re an idiot, but a genius… but an idiot.  But a genius. But an idiot. Strap in this will go on for a while.

  18. Compliments are cause for deep suspicion… was that sincere?  Did the complimenter even look at it? Is the complimenter acting?  Does the complimenter opinion even matter? WHY IS THE COMPLIMENTER COMPLIMENTING WHAT’S YOUR MOTIVE, GRANDMA?

  19. Shot of well vodka and Bud Light Draft.  Unless you sold something today, in which case it’s TOP SHELF and where did the money go?

  20. You can fill a canvas with any random crap you want to, but if you’re within a mile of the ocean and it’s nicely framed you can put a $200 price tag on it, apparently.

  21. You’ll regret any decision you make following the question “How do artists dress?”

  22. Keep working!  Don’t get distracted by stupid side projects like writing 22 tips on ‘How to artist’ it’s not even a full sentence.